Hey, it's all the funny things I've written!

McSweeneys Internet Tendency:
Honest Instructions for Your At-Home Bikini Wax
Featured in the Newsletter of Humorous Writing week of 6/6/22

From Now On, The Fast & Furious's Dominic Torretto Will Only Drive a Honda Odyssey
Selected by The Belladonna Comedy as one of the 5 funniest articles this week by a woman or non-binary author

Erotica Inspired By My Endometriosis
Selected by The Belladonna Comedy as one of the 5 funniest articles this week by a woman or non-binary author

I Won’t Eat This Tofurky Unless I Can Shove Stuffing Up Its Asshole

​An Afternoon With Me, the Man in an REI Print Ad

A Typical Friday in Oregon as Imagined by My East Coast Friends
3rd most read McSweeneys article of 2021

Attention, Wheelchair Users: Our Brewery Has Decided to Accommodate You (Within Reason)
Co-authored with Yvonne Michaud

The Dog In This Gritty Drama Knows It’s Toast
Selected by The Belladonna Comedy as one of the 5 funniest articles this week by a woman or non-binary author

I’m William Henry Harrison and it Appears You’ve Forgotten Me Again This President’s Day

The Hard Times:
Punk Genie Asks if He Can Bum Three Wishes Off You

36-Year-Old Still Refuses to Admit to Parents She Regrets Fall Out Boy Tattoo

God Updates LinkedIn Title to ‘Content Creation Ninja’

The Belladonna Comedy:
St. Valentine Ranks Popular Valentine's Day Gifts

Daily Itinerary of a Girl in the Urban Outfitters Catalogue

Now That The Great Gatsby is in the Public Doman, We at Netflix Promise to Ruin It

List: 10 New Birth Controls More Likely to Become Mainstream than a Pill for Men

Weekly Humorist:
If Cyrano de Bergerac Was an Episode of Catfish: The TV Show

Welcome to Deplorables: Portland's First Alt-Right Craft Brewery

Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumers
Co-authored with Catherine Weingarten

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom Coms!

Points in Case:
How About Leaving Some Milk and Cookies Out For Me, The Easter Bunny?

Submission Guidelines for Convolution Lit

I'm Your Judgmental Hair Stylist: Ready for Your First Post-Vax Haircut?

FAQ for Our Totally Empowering, Body Positive, Size-Inclusive Swimwear Line

Quiz: Are You At Your Boss’s Retirement Party or Orientation Day For An Eternity in Hell?

Push Notifications From Gil, Your New Internalized Guilt AI Assistant

Excerpts from the Winners of the Inaugural Kraft-Heinz Sponsored YA Fiction Contest

I'm Entitled to Excellent Customer Service on Labor Day

Friendly Reminders from Your Winterfell Homeowners Association
Co-authored with Sherry Vondy Beaver

I'm a Feral Pigeon, and I'm Running to Replace the Bald Eagle as the Avian Symbol of American Freedom in 2020

I'm the Sleepytime Tea Bear and I Fuck

The Comedic Male Genius' Guide to Literary Humor for Lady Writers
Co-authored with Catherine Weingarten

Ken Burns Presents: Letters from the Privileged Quarantine Homefront

The Biden 2020 Nevada Pizza Party is Going Down in Flames

Do You Have the Cognitive Fortitude to Be a Cashier at Crazy Dave's Wieners?

Good Housekeeping Tips for Throwing a Cozy, Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving Rager

Emails From Jesus's Micromanaging Boss, Phil
Selected by The Belladonna Comedy as one of the 5 funniest articles this week by a woman or non-binary author

You Bet Your Ass This is the Most Patriotic Carrot Salad You've Ever Eaten

Highlights of the First 10 Days of a Miraculous Marianne Williamson Presidency

Because We Care: Our New Corporate Wellness Program for Disgusting Pigs Like You

Rob Gronkowski's Post-Super Bowl LII Journal of Self-Discovery

Laundering Instructions for Your $148 Anthropologie Romper

Learning to Love My Talons

The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You've Given Up on Your Dreams
Selected by The Belladonna Comedy as one of the 5 funniest articles this week by a woman or non-binary author

​Slackjaw:
I’m the Continental Breakfast at Your Crappy Hotel and I’m Going to Ruin Your Morning

Help! I Accidentally Manifested My Made-Up Middle School Boyfriend

Installing a Wheelchair Ramp Will Ruin the Historical Beauty of McRacist Hall

It's Time to Live My Truth: I'm a Basic Bitch

It’s Board Game Night! You Can’t Escape the Fun!

I’m the Office Oversharer and We’re Going to Be Best Friends

I’ve Always Been A Cool Person Who Uses Marijuana

Emotionally Healthy Revised Denouements of Classic Literature 
Co-authored with Catherine Weingarten

Please Donate to Our Introvert Rescue Park
Honorable mention, Slackjaw Humor Writing Contest 2019

Little Old Lady Comedy:
I’m the Vitamins You Bought on Instagram and I’m Dumping Your Needy Ass

Stop Asking Me Why I Joined an Armadillo Pyramid Scheme

List: 10 All-Men Marketing Departments Pitch New Products to Attract More Women Customers

We Just Learned Tall Women Existed but We Went Ahead and Designed Summer Shorts for Them Anyway

BRAVERY BUNKERS: Helping Politicians Hide with Integrity Since 2020

Greener Pastures:
Tips for Dealing with Professional Jealousy (Of Me)

Ted Cruz Reviews the Final Season of Game of Thrones

Day in the Life of an Undecided Voter

And in other great outlets:
Excerpts From Erotic Fiction Written by Fortune 500 CEOs 
From Widget

Seven Super Fun (And Oddly Omniscient!) Name Generator Games
From 251, co-authored with Catherine Weingarten

Manic Pixie Dream Boy Fantasies I’ve Had About the Customer Service Rep at Discover Card Member Services
From 251

7 Autumn-Flavored Abominations to Make Your Life Fall AF 
From Robot Butt, co-authored with Catherine Weingarten

I'm Your Favorite Leggings: Let Me Die With Dignity 
 From The Syndrome Mag and reprinted in the anthology Show Us Your Wits

I, Satan, Wish to Publicly Distance Myself from Mitch McConnell 
From Funny-ish.com

Portland State University is Proud to Offer a New Master of Professional Anarchy Studies Degree 
From Funny-ish.com

The 10 People You Facebook Rage-Follow in Quarantine
 From Robot Butt, co-authored with Catherine Weingarten

Anatomical Rejections 
From Rejection Letters

Hobbies to Keep You Busy as You Slowly Descend into Madness
From Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, co-authored with Kyrie Gray and Maria Vicini

​



​